In your home, who do you believe works the hardest - the partner who stays at home or the one who goes out to work?

The World Out There would have you believe it's a certain way, and having recently caught myself doing the same thing, I thought it wise to shine a light on one of these deep patterns that keep us stuck.

In today's episode we explore the myth that men believe and women perpetuate.

Show Notes

• [02.23] Patterns that keep us stuck

  [04.27] The assigning of roles and of VALUE

  [07.46] The patterns as they arise in our own lives

  [12.29] The myth that men believe and women perpetuate.

Quotes

"I do not believe in putting men down. I believe we can lift women up without having to do that." - Lisa Linfield

"Trying to do it all is way too much for any human to take on." - Lisa Linfield

"We somehow absorbed the notion that the person working to earn the money had harder days, their needs had more priority, and that everything should drop when they come home." - Lisa Linfield

"Regardless of what our brains told us, we had never experienced (or had modelled for us) a different way of being." - Lisa Linfield

"I was living the myth. The myth that my stresses were harder than his because I worked and he didn't." - Lisa Linfield

Related posts and episodes

• Talking to your partner about money with Dr Abby Medcalf

• How you should structure your investments in a marriage

• Unleashing grassroots leadership of women with Dr Joanna Martin

• Princess AND Warrior – rethinking the stories we’re told with Wendy Pienaar

• Rethinking the myth of women in business with Andi Simon

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TRANSCRIPT

Now for many of you, I’m sure you’re intrigued to find out what exactly this myth is that men believe and women perpetuate… because, as you know, my personal approach is one of lifting women up, and NOT putting men down.

So, I’m going to start by telling you that literally last week I caught myself doing it for the first time because our tables at home have turned, and I was shocked.  Somewhere deep down I believe this too… and so I need to journal to get to the bottom of this… or, in my case, write a podcast episode.

So let’s back it up.

As you know from my book, Deep Grooves, one of the big sources of patterns in our life that keep us stuck is the The World Out There.  The beliefs that we hold that we absorb from our parents, our teachers, our friends on the play ground, the media, and these days social media, youtube etc.

One of these patterns is the centuries old rhythm of life that men work and women stay at home.  Spoiler alert – that’s not the myth we’re talking about today… but we need some context.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I actually think in many cases there’s a deep wisdom to this pattern. 

For those of us who reach middle age, as we reflect on trying to do it all – be the perfect employee, perfect mum, perfect daughter and friend – I often have to admit that despite what I believed in my 20s, that truly is way too much for a human to take on.  And so I find validity in the concept of sharing the load… that the ancient design of marriage, two people sharing the load of family and provision makes enormous sense.

The challenge comes, as it often does, when a good concept gets distorted by the world out there.

That distortion is when that sharing moves from one of mutual respect and equality to the assigning of roles that have notions of good and bad, better and worse, harder and easier.

I find that happens so often when I go back and read the bible and understand the context and intentions of what God designed, and then see its modern iteration and wonder where it all went so pear shaped.

And when it comes to sharing the load of family and provision, TWOT has over time distorted it to defined roles of men work and bring in the money and women stay home and raise the family.  In addition, it’s assigned value to that – that somehow the person that works holds more value because they’re providing the money… and also “hardship” – that it’s harder to work, and easier to be home with the kids.

I always think I’m the luckiest girl in the world… and when it comes to this discussion, I was very lucky that when John and I got married I out-earned him for the first few years.  The reason I feel lucky is that it forced us both to confront this myth that had seeped into both of us from the world out there.

Despite logic telling us that we equally earned, equally worked and therefore home admin and cooking and shopping etc. should be equally divided, we struggled with this.

We’d both watched our mothers have supper on the table when our dads came home… of the family grinding to a halt because he’d arrived, “worked so hard”, and therefore peace needed to prevail.  We needed to ease his strain, make him feel comfortable, drop everything regardless of the day our mums had had.

We somehow absorbed the notion that the person working to earn the money had harder days, their needs had more priority and that everything should drop when they come home.

In both our cases, despite our mums returning to work full time as we got older and contributing substantially to the family, that pattern remained in place… and still does despite them being retired.

And regardless of what our brains told us, we had never experienced or had modelled for us a different way of being.  And so those patterns pulled hard.

Our first encounter was when we were making the decision of where to live after we were married.  You see, John lived in Cardiff and I lived in London.  Logic told us that he should move to London.  His friends and family were there, as were mine.  He’d been in his role a while, and I’d just started mine.  And, my job earned more than his.

But, despite his brain acknowledging that the facts pointed to him resigning and moving to London… he couldn’t.  It was so deeply engrained in him this need to be the provider.  So I resigned from my job and moved to Cardiff.

When we had Jess, our firstborn, I took 5 months of maternity leave… and what surprised me is how quickly all the home admin we’d equally shared of cooking and shopping and maintenance suddenly fell on me… and never left in the year I worked part time through all our kids. 

But the moment of reckoning came when I went back full time and so brought in the equal salary.  We went out on date night and I told John that now I was back full time, he needed to pick up some of the home stuff.  In the end, we came to the decision that he would do all the shopping and cooking in our house, and I’d pick up the kids and the family admin.

Sometimes, he had a heavier burden… sometimes I did.  Was it an equal 50:50… not every day… but it was fair.

As you know, John has just retired, and we now find ourselves in the reverse situation.  I work all day, and he doesn’t.

What’s been fascinating is the stereotypes that sit deeply in me. 

Somewhere I believe if I’m honest that what I do is way harder than what he does… and my stresses, bigger… and that all those “privileges” I saw my dad have, I should now get. 

A few weeks ago it was the end of February, and because it was the end of our tax year I was frantically busy with clients… John too had had a stressful morning attending to some of our home maintenance issues, and being pushed from pillar to post.  He returned home and the wifi connection to our Tesla battery was not working. 

After trouble shooting it, I suggested he look in the outbuilding to see if that wifi was working, and then through process of elimination we’d find out where it was faulting.

He gave me a look that expressed his utter dismay that after the tough morning he’d had, I was asking him to solve this too.  And so I went up and checked it.

All the way there I was angry.

I was right in the middle of working… he had got home and had ‘nothing’ to do…

And then it dawned on me.

I was living the myth.  That my stresses were harder than his because I worked and he didn’t.  And the realisation that this had been brewing over the last few months – these little thoughts, these little feelings that shot in and out so quickly – I could see clearly with this incident that I was believing the very myth I resented in society.

So I want us to look at this myth and ponder on it.

The World Out There, and centuries of living it, has laid down a myth that the person who earns the money has the greater stress, and therefore their problems are harder, their days are harder, and their stress is bigger.

And for clarity, the opposite therefore exists.

The person who stays home has an easier life, with less stress, and their problems are ‘trivial’ in comparison to the earner.

And the reason why I stress the money maker is that even in times when both work, but one makes significantly more, the same belief seems to apply.  The personal assistant’s stress of the wife surely can’t be as much as the ‘big’ stress of the CEO?

I’ve done all four roles

• ·         I’ve been the ‘stay at home mum’ when I was on maternity leave

• ·         I’ve worked half day and stayed home half day

• ·         I’ve worked full time when John worked full time

• ·         And I’m now working while John is home.

Categorically and without doubt, the hardest is to work part time and to parent.  You get neither of the benefits.  Stay home parents get time to catch up with life when the kids are at school…. And working full day means that you get to focus on only one thing, work, and come home and be home.

The next hardest I’ve found after trying to do it all is to stay home with kids full time.   It’s a role that sees you giving all the time… and that’s hard. Then working a full day whilst your husband does because you both have to share in the home life – share being there fore the kids, share the home admin.  Then, the easiest one has been working with a stay at home partner – because you truly get to focus on just work… and know that the humans you love most are well taken care of – as is the home admin.

So for those of you out there who are trying to hold your work AND parent, I want to tell you I see you… I know how hard it is, and I want to validate that it truly is the hardest option despite The World Out There telling you that you’re lucky to ‘have it all’ by working and being there for your kids… and having that ‘flexibility’. 

Yes, I do believe you’ll look back and be proud that you were able to do both, just as when you summit Mount Everest you’re proud you made it to the top.  But it’s flipping hard.

And, it’s even harder to do it when The World Out There treats it as “lesser than” … lesser than the ‘real’ job that’s full time, “lesser than” the stresses of a ‘real’ job.

And for those of you who are the primary earner, I hope this is a nudge to prompt you to be more mindful when you find those feelings surfacing that your worries, your stresses are ‘more’ than your partner’s. 

For each of us, our stresses are valid – they’re our stresses.  And yes, there are times when one is more stressed than the other – and we’re able to be there for each other.  The REAL challenge comes when we’re both going through stresses.  It’s then when we need to tread very carefully in the feeling that one person’s stress is more important than the other.

It's at this time that the saying “marriage takes work” comes into its own.  It’s hard work to create space amongst your stress to carry your partner’s stress… to help them ease theirs.  Who should give way first?  No one can say.  But to assume it’s them because you’re the primary breadwinner is flawed.  Each person’s stress is equal.  With that out the way, it then comes down to unselfishly serving another’s needs.  And that my friends is unbelievably hard work.

Now, for those earning less or staying at home, I see your struggle, and the story the world out there has told you and your spouse.  That some how that role is ‘less than’ when in fact it’s hard.  For you, I want to nudge you to challenge those notions – in yourself and with your partner and the people who put that on you.  Put in boundaries gently but firmly and don’t let your stresses be invalidated. 

And I strongly suggest you take a week or two away so that your partner gets to really experience the work you do.  Take that week without leaving everything perfectly organised.  Add him to the WhatsApp groups of each child’s school so he can know the stress of trying to keep track of the chaos.  And allow him to drop a few balls.

Allow him to walk a mile in your moccasins.

For all of us, we need to deeply question these beliefs The World Out There Teaches us.  We need to acknowledge what our feelings and responses and actions are showing us about those beliefs.  And we need to experience as best we can the world our partner lives in… letting go of the judgement, and embracing the empathy.

Have a good week everybody!